


Things in Middle Earth That Want to Eat You by Bilba Baggins

by ISeeFire



Series: Homeward Bound [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 02:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1671146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISeeFire/pseuds/ISeeFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilba's journal of things in Middle Earth that want to eat you, with helpful addendums by Thorin Oakenshield.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trolls

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot included in the larger Homeward Bound verse so you should read that first before this. :)
> 
> For my readers, sorry the new chapters have taken a little longer this time! Work has been crazy this week! I almost have the new chapter of D3 done, it SHOULD be up tomorrow and then I'll get onto the new chapter of Homeward Bound. Tomorrow is my last crazy day of work too so I should have some more time again. In the meantime please enjoy this short (hopefully amusing) look inside the journal of Bilba Baggins. :)

Bastards. Every last one of them.

Edit: And they smell.

 

 

**_Kind of dumb too, you forgot that._ **

Stop reading my journal, Thorin!

**_You left it lying out._ **

Stop WRITING in my journal, Thorin!

**_You should be happy. You have the writing of the King under the Mountain in your book, it raises the value._ **

I’m happy. Can’t you see how happy I am?

**_We must share different definitions of happy._ **

Apparently so. NOW KNOCK IT OFF.

**_You forgot how much they smell too._ **

You’re right. I did forget that. Thank you.

**_You’re welcome._ **


	2. Wargs

Ugly, giant dogs.

 

Edit: Probably wanted to eat us

 

**_They didn’t actually try to eat us._ **

REALLY, Thorin? What did I say?

**_If you don’t want me reading it stop leaving it out where I can see it!_ **

IT WAS IN THE BOTTOM OF MY PACK.

**_Your pack was knocked over and it fell out._ **

Convenient, that. I’m sure the wargs would have eaten us if they’d caught us.

**_Perhaps but you can’t know for sure._ **

FINE. Are you happy now, oh King?

_**Immensely.** _

Good.


	3. Creepy Creature in Cave

Creepy, lived in cave, tried to eat Thorin.

 

Edit: Stupid.

 

 

**_You should add stupid for thinking my skull was so thin._ **

You’re right. Only an idiot would think YOU didn’t have a thick head.

**_At least you got a magic ring out of it. I only got a headache._ **

I had hoped it would have knocked some sense into you. Judging from what you did right after, however, I’m guessing it actually knocked sense OUT of you.

Don’t think I didn’t see you reading this earlier. You’re just going to pretend you didn’t see it aren’t you?

**_I have no idea what you’re talking about._ **

Of course you don’t.


	4. Azog

Thorin’s weirdo ex-boyfriend. Not sure if he wanted to kill Thorin or marry him. I don’t think Thorin knows either.

 

**_We promised never to speak of this again._ **

I didn’t speak of it. I’m WRITING.

**_In that case I may be forced to WRITE of the odd contraption the child of Bard loaned you. Perhaps a drawing as well. I have been told I’m an exceptional artist._ **

That’s a low blow, Thorin.

**_You brought it on yourself._ **

 


	5. Spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100% credit goes to Lady Juno for the dialogue staring with "I suppose you have a point". She has seriously awesome dialogue skills! :D

Self-explanatory.

 

**_I wasn’t there so I have no comment on this._ **

And yet you comment anyway.

**_I’m raising the value._ **

Whatever would I do without you?

_**Be forced to charge less when you try to sell your book.** _

I suppose you have a point though why you keep thinking I want to sell it is beyond me.

_**Did you just say I had a point? That almost sounded like a compliment.** _

Don't get used to it.

_**And the moment is gone. I shall mourn it.** _

Oh, shut up. Honestly. You're worse than your nephews. 

_**Well, they got it somewhere.** _

 

 


	6. Smaug

Giant, fire breathing dragon, flies (because THAT’S fair), giant talons, giant teeth, giant, giant, giant, wants to kill everything.

 

**_Are you sure he’ll want to eat us? We haven’t even met him yet._ **

Just going by everything else we’ve met so far. I imagine our luck isn’t that good.

**_What about those stone giant things? They didn’t try to eat us._ **

Only because they didn’t see us. I’m sure if they had they’d have tried.

**_Perhaps Smaug won’t see us either._ **

And he’ll just accidentally squash us?

**_One can hope._ **

 


End file.
